I remembered something from my early years with my ex, the Narcissist, and it made me laugh. It was a kind of victory.
Back when my daughter was 4 years old, Mark, (the ex, not his real name), came home one Saturday afternoon, bringing his mother with him to visit our daughter. He and his mom had been there for about an hour, when Mark casually mentioned that he’d invited a friend and friend’s wife to stop by for tea. I was thinking he’d invited them for the next weekend or something. But no. They would arrive in 15 minutes.
Well. I’d been playing with my child all day and there were toys, crafts, and a blanket fort all over the house. Plus, my friend’s three boys had been in the house, with shoes on, running in and out, from having a water gun fight outside. Plus, we had 4 kittens, two with long fur. The floor was in desperate need of being vacuumed.
I am the kind of person who, when people are going to visit, goes into panicked perfectionist Martha Stewart mode. I need at least a week advance notice.
Since I was the woman of the house, and thanks to our culture would end up being the preparer of food and hostess for any visitors, (and the person who would clean the house before visits), the respectful thing for my then husband to do, would be to ask me how I felt about inviting people into my home, before inviting them. But we’re talking about a Narcissist here. Narcissists don’t respect anyone.
This was the first time Mark had invited people over, except for holidays and out of town relatives’ visits. But instantly my future flashed before me. Mark’s mother and father liked to entertain all the time. Every week. Mark’s mother’s entire existence revolved around cooking food and playing hostess.
There was no way I wanted to be wasting my time on this kind of thing. Also, I’m an introvert. I would hate to have my peace shattered without warning at any moment. I love friends to visit, but I need advance notice.
When Mark mentioned they’d be there in 15 minutes, I quietly walked out of the room and hid in the bathroom to think. My thoughts went kind of like this…
It was going to be mortifying to have people see our messy house. Fifteen minutes was not enough to get it presentable. I’d need to go through extreme stress and tear around cleaning for the next 15 minutes. Or I could just give up now, on having these people ever respect me.
Obviously, the unusually impromptu visit from my mother-in-law was part of a plan. The friends were acquaintances of hers, also. She had clearly been brought here to look after my daughter while I cleaned, and then to visit with the friends.
Why had Mark waited for that whole hour after he and his mom got there, before telling me about the visit? Because he’s a jerk. I’d seen Mark’s mother giving him looks and now it clicked into place. She was wondering why he wasn’t telling me about the impending visit.
If I ran around stressing and cleaning, this time, Mark would expect me to do the same in the future. He would continue to invite people without consulting with me, and not bother to even tell me until a few minutes before they arrived.
Talking to Mark, or any narcissist or other person who doesn’t respect you, or care about your feelings, or give a shit about you in any way, is a waste of time. They don’t listen. Trust me, I tried talking … for a few YEARS, I earnestly tried hard. I tried all the advice on healthy communication in a relationship. With Narcissists, nothing works. Like all Narcissists, Mark is stubborn and soulless and always does what pleases him. I had given up talking by this point, because it was just a waste of my energy and only caused me to become more upset and emotionally worn out. I stayed with Mark in this non-communicative, non-caring, adversarial situation, because at that point, I thought it was best for my child.
So anyway, standing there in the bathroom, I decided I would need to use my actions (instead of words because words don’t work with Narcissists) to make sure Mark never again invited people to the house without at least telling me in advance. I would need to create consequences he hated. I’d need to make him suffer so much that he never did this again.
How to do this, I wondered. I decided to do the opposite of what he wanted. I would not lift a finger to clean anything before the guests arrived. I would not prepare tea or do the typical hostess things. I would just sit and talk with them politely while they were there, but not offer food.
I went and found my daughter and started playing with her.
After a few minutes, the energy between Mark and his mother was hilarious. They were quietly freaking out because I wasn’t cooperating with their plan. I could hear them talking in the other room. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but I could hear the emotion in their voices.
Then Mark’s mom went into the kitchen to prepare tea and Mark got out the vacuum cleaner. Mark and his mom did the scurrying and cleaning, while I relaxed and played with my daughter. On the inside, I was laughing.
I was wearing sweats and a t-shirt with paint on it. At one point Mark asked me if I was going to change my clothes. I replied with a cheerful no, and said there wasn’t enough time.
The guests arrived and I sat and chatted with them, while Mark and his mother played hostess.
Oh the undercurrents of emotion and things unspoken zooming around in that room!
At one point, after the guests had been there for a couple hours, I went to the bathroom and then walked into my daughter’s bedroom where the kittens were. I played with them for a few minutes. One kitten climbed up on me and fell asleep. He was so cute, I stayed like that, hoping my daughter would come in and see. It was the first time any of the kittens had done this. I was waiting with the kitten for about 20 minutes. Rude to leave the guests for so long. But why didn’t Mark or his mom come to check on me?
After 20 minutes, while I was waiting in the room, the guests said their goodbyes to Mark and his mother and left. Mark could have come to let me know they were leaving, so I could come and say goodbye.
Mark’s mom left soon after the guests left, without saying goodbye.
Mark came into the room to tell me everyone had left. He was seething inside. I could tell. But his method is to avoid communicating and to just secretly manipulate and micro-manage everyone, like some kind of Godly puppet master (in his mind). He never tells people about any plans or intentions, even ones that involve them. He is extremely secretive about his thoughts and actions, while at the same time talking with people in a very charming way. It’s only after you leave his presence that you realize he gave no information about himself and deflected all questions. He has always tried to manipulate and manage his friends and parents also. Not just me.
Mark made one comment about how I hadn’t helped prepare for the visit. I answered cheerfully that 15 minutes wasn’t enough time, so there wasn’t any point.
He never again invited friends to the house without telling me in advance. I had successfully out-manipulated him, by quietly disgracing him (and his mother, and the family name), by exhibiting behaviour that thoroughly violated his family’s one and only apparent value in life – be good hosts when people visit your home.
This was one of the few times I analyzed a situation and took control while I was married to the Narcissist. It was not as clear and premeditated for me, at that time. But looking back, I see what I instinctively did.
My small victory during those years of living with a cold-hearted freak of a man who controlled my existence so completely and cavalierly, gives me laughter and delight to remember. I was stronger than I realized, and smarter than the Narcissist JerkyPants bargained for.
Leave a Reply