Did/do you have harsh, critical parents who damaged your self-esteem?
Did your parents want you to be an ideal child-accessory to make them look good?
Does this description below, apply to your life?
Your parents had a specific idea of what an ideal child should be and they could only look at this idea. They had an idea of what ideal parents should be, and maybe this included being strict about forcing a child into the mold of that ideal child who would be a credit to them and impress the world by being a super smart, hardworking student, disciplined about eating right and being physically perfect and attractive, and a docile robot.
Your parents were so focused on that picture of an ideal child, they couldn’t see past it and see YOU and all your unique wonderfulness.
I see this approach in many parents, actually. I believe it is based on their own fears about what society will think of them as parents. They look at their children through this lens —
“Will people be impressed by my child and think I’m a good parent?
Does my child match up to the kind of child that will impress my relatives, community, society?
Does my child enhance my family’s image?
Is my child going to grow up to be successful?”
I suppose the unexamined assumption is that society’s idea of success will bring their child happiness. Either that, or they never stop to think about their child’s happiness at all. Why not just focus on the end goal of happiness for their child, instead of focusing on success-in-order-to-bring-happiness? They have so many fears and holes in their own self-esteem, they can’t think beyond their own need for an ideal child-accessory who will impress others. This prevents them from relaxing and seeing their child clearly, as he/she is, and enjoying all the unique, wonderful things about their child. Unconsciously attempting to get their own needs met through their child, also prevents them from consciously seeing and caring about their child’s needs.
I probably sound judgmental and I should not be. Our parents are/were all drowning in the unconscious roiling mess of their own dysfunctional childhoods and damaged self-esteem, their fears, and unconscious needs for approval from society. My goal in writing this was not to judge, but to examine the reasons for our critical parents’ behaviour and also to help us see that it had nothing to do with us.
Your parents’ harsh, critical parenting did not mean you are a flawed, unlovable disappointment. It meant that while they were fearfully focused on the idea of an ideal child-accessory to meet their needs, they missed out on seeing and enjoying YOU, wonderful YOU!
In other words, “It’s not you, it’s them.”
And it is THEIR tragic loss.
But your friends, the people in your tribe, your CHOSEN family, get to enjoy you, with all your unique fabulousness! So YAY!
Here’s something else to think about…..
Are YOU a critical parent?
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