Hiding our flaws and weaknesses, and trying to impress people, is what we ALL do most of our lives, starting in childhood. We want people to respect us and like us. We fear people’s judgments. In our minds on autopilot, we work to manage people’s impressions of us. Hence the term “impression management.”
We don’t even realize how we are constantly on guard, making sure to behave the way we think we are supposed to behave. We are constantly aware that we have done things, or there are things about us, that others might judge, and so there is this constant, unnoticeable effort going on inside us, to make sure we don’t slip up and reveal these things. How exhausting!
Think about this: when you see me making a fool of myself or revealing one of my many flaws, failures, mistakes, or weaknesses, do you respect me less, or like me less? (Wait, did you just say “Yes?!”)
I’m sure some people have decided they want nothing to do with me, and I KNOW some have judged me (it wasn’t pretty). But a lot of people still seem to like me, and it happens to be all the fun, interesting, cool people I enjoy most, who have stuck around. This makes my life MORE FUN and WAY MORE ENJOYABLE. I mean, do I really want to hang out with a bunch of priss-face pruney-mouth judgers? Of course not. So, by NOT being constantly on guard, or managing others’ impressions of me, I get to have lots more fun just relaxing and being myself, and at the same time, I have more energy because it’s not drained away in worrying and constantly hiding stuff about my life and flawed (but adorable, right?) self.
If you stop hiding your true self and stop worrying about what people think of you, there will be a lot of people who still like and respect you. People might even respect and enjoy you MORE.
This worry about others’ opinions of us is like a small, cramped box we live inside. So break free from the box and LIVE LARGE! LIVE FREE!
Try this: today, tell one person you can trust (or a complete stranger you’ll never see again) about a mistake you made, or a time you failed, or some weakness you struggle with. Then wait for the huge earthquake that will tear up the world and cause a rip in the space time continuum. It won’t come. Then tell them something you like about yourself. And know that you have strengths and good things about you. Feel good about these things. Know that you don’t need to be strong and good in ALL ways. Anyway, puh-leeze! What kind of weirdo superhuman pod person would THAT be? For sure, everyone would resent them anyway and envy them, and feel inferior around them and stressed and on their best behaviour (boring!!).
If you can’t bring yourself to let go and be your true fabulous self just yet, read Nathaniel Branden’s book, “How to Raise Your Self-Esteem.” That tiny book and the exercises in it, were more valuable and life-changing for me than three years of therapy. When your self-esteem is strong on the inside, you stop needing a strong shell on the outside.
I’m betting that when you tell someone about one of your imperfections, you will feel liberated. When you stop needing to hide an imperfection, you will feel like you have just set a heavy burden down. That’s how it felt for me, anyway, when I started liking my good points and stopped needing to be perfect in every way, and stopped worrying that people would judge me for not being perfect. Trust me, life is so much better outside the box.
Here’s a quote that articulates what I’ve tried to convey, but in only one sentence.
“Impression management is exhausting and stressful — you live in constant fear that, as Dr. W. puts it, the house of cards that is your projected self will come crashing down around you.”
“My Age of Anxiety” by Scott Stossel, p. 112
For help in freeing yourself from impression management, read the “Fortress” exercise in SIMPLE TECHNIQUES, Exercises.
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