I discovered some unexpected freedoms and truths about life, during a unique time. I had left my first husband months earlier and then left a stressful, all-consuming job in television production. I was living in peaceful solitude in my cute, tiny studio apartment in a nice neighbourhood.
I was editing a nonfiction book and my client’s deadline was a year away. It was steady, peaceful, solitary work. I decided to use this time to have a kind of retreat from the world, and do some self-work. What happened was magical.
For a couple of months, I chose to have no radio, no television, no newspapers, and no internet, no parties and minimal contact with friends. Aside from the editing job deadline, one year away, I had no schedule, no obligations, no workplace I had to go to, no employer monitoring me. No busywork. For the first time in my existence, I was completely free in every way.
I went for long walks in the neighbourhood, looking at beautiful houses and gardens. I walked in the parks nearby, discovering wild bits of trails that most people didn’t know about. I read books like “Living in the Light,” by Shakti Gawain and “An Open Life,” by Joseph Campbell. I also worked through all the exercises in Nathaniel Branden’s book, “How to Raise Your Self-Esteem.”
After a while of being away from the CONSTANT cultural noise and messages of radio, television, and news, and away from people, it was like I’d escaped from some kind of fog. I could see things in our society that I’d never noticed before. People tended to think about and talk about the same stuff, use the same slang words, have the same opinions. I realized it came from the one source of information they all shared – the media. I noticed that people admired certain things that I’d meanwhile realized are NOT a sign of being a good person, but are often essential for survival – such as toiling and suffering in a job for money. It is UNFORTUNATE that people have to work hard to earn a pay check for survival, but this is not an admirable thing.
Working hard to create something you feel passionate about is a joy. Working smart instead of hard and getting the same results is WAY better. Working hard in a job you don’t love and only get money from, is sad.
Somewhere in the past, someone convinced people that working hard is admirable. They also convinced people that having a lot of money is admirable. Our society also seems to think that always being “busy” is a virtue. People constantly brag about how busy they are.
During my retreat from the world, I noticed other ways our society is driven by cultural beliefs and entrenched fears, to follow invisible rules. It would take too long to explain how I came to see things clearly, so instead, I have made a list of things you DON’T actually have to do in order to be a “good” person or be worthy of admiration, or in order to avoid being banished, stoned in the town square, sent to jail or punished in some other way.
List of Things You Don’t Have to Do:
1) YOU DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER THE PHONE
If the government really wants to get a hold of you, they will write a letter.
If it’s a debt collector, you can ignore them FOREVER. We no longer have debtors’ prison. If you want to have a good credit score, work with a professional to improve it. If you don’t care about your credit score, you can ignore all mail from collection agencies. You NEVER have to actually TALK to debt collectors. They are a drain on the spirit. Written communication will suffice. The big corporations can wait until you can afford to pay them. Small businesses and individuals usually cannot afford to wait to be paid, and I am sure that as a good human being, you plan to pay them as soon as you can, possibly with a payment schedule. You could send them a note to tell them this, but still, you do not have to speak with them on the phone.
I LOOK at my phone if it rings when my daughter is not with me, to see if it’s her, or her school, or the person she is visiting. If my daughter is with me, I usually have my phone off.
If you are responsible for someone’s wellbeing, like a child or elderly parent, this is probably the only reason you’d need to keep your phone on, outside of your working hours/obligations.
2) YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DEBTS
See above. No debtor’s prison! Pay your debts when you can, little by little, or declare bankruptcy. Get help from professionals like debt consultants or accountants. For some reason, our society has made it seem like a SIN that you have to feel BAD about, if you have debts. Some people go through life with a black cloud of shame hanging over them, because they owe money. Obviously, if you borrowed money from friends, you’ll want to pay them back asap. But if it’s a corporation, credit card company or a bank….pfffft! These people make so much money off of the interest they charge… don’t get me started. The important thing is to remember that unless it involves actual people as in friends or owners of small businesses, debt is NOT a MORAL issue.
I highly recommend reading “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” and playing the Cash Flow game, both created by Robert Kiyosaki. He makes it clear that owning stuff that creates liabilities (like mortgage for a castle and car payments for a Ferrari), does NOT equal wealth. Often, it creates a kind of slavery – one where you have to work at a job you hate just to pay for your stuff. True wealth is when you are financially FREE and can choose not to work for money at all. This happens when you get an income you don’t have to work for, that exceeds your expenses. Income you don’t have to work for is called “passive income.” This could be in the form of money from investments, interest, or royalties from a book you have written or something you’ve created, or rent a tenant pays you. If the money can still be received while you are asleep, it is passive income. This is my simplistic explanation, anyway. Keep in mind, I am horrible at math, money, technology, and other icky practical stuff. (Do I have a bratty attitude about these things? Yes. Yes I do. Do I feel apologetic about this? Ummm… let me think…..searching for little molecules of apologetic feelings inside myself….. gosh, I can’t find any.)
Expenses are the debts you owe every month, such as mortgage payments and other liabilities, plus credit cards, plus what you pay for food and other necessities, and everything you spend on clothes, restaurants, etc.
The trick to being financially free, is to either keep your expenses low or to create enough passive income to EXCEED your expenses. Part of keeping expenses low is to avoid debt. Do you REALLY need that new car or big house? A lawyer who has to constantly work billable hours to pay for a mansion and BMW is less free than a librarian who owns a tiny house with the mortgage paid off and an old Toyota that is also paid for.
3) YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORK HARD IN ORDER TO BE A “GOOD” PERSON
Obviously, for too many people, in most parts of the world, working hard is essential for survival. We could write whole books about that. This is more about the “morality” of hard work, and situations where people have a choice.
You can CHOOSE to work hard on your dreams and goals, but you don’t have to. Anyway, if you’re working on creating something you feel passionate about, it doesn’t feel like “work.”
Working hard is not a virtue. Somebody probably convinced slaves and serfs it’s a virtue, long ago, for self-serving reasons you can imagine. Working hard is sometimes essential and unavoidable. Working SMART is so much better. Doing “work” you love and that feels like PLAY, is the BEST. So if you are temporarily stuck in a situation where you have to work hard at a joyless job, invest some time in figuring out your soul’s purpose and work that will support you financially AND give you joy and flow easily. Or better yet, find ways to create passive income for yourself, so ANY work you CHOOSE to do in future is purely for your own pleasure and life goals.
Descartes came up with Cartesian theory one day while he was lying in bed gazing at the ceiling. (Something about the mathematics and angles of a fly buzzing around in a corner. I try not to think about math too much so I don’t remember the details.) We admire Descartes for his theory, but no one ever wonders (or cares!) if he worked hard to think of it. RESULTS of hard work can be admirable, but don’t confuse the process with the results.
I find it interesting that our society doesn’t condemn wealthy people for being lazy, when they don’t have to work hard every day to survive. Our culture ADMIRES royalty and billionaires. When we watch television shows about rich people — such as Downton Abby — we don’t see the rich people feeling bad about themselves for spending their days having tea with friends or planning parties, or having servants help them get dressed. Meanwhile, all their servants who are constantly working hard in a life of drudgery, admire the rich people who do nothing all day, and feel inferior to them. See what I mean about someone in history convinced slaves and serfs that hard work is a virtue, for their own self-serving reasons? How convenient for the privileged classes. I wonder if they enlisted the help of the church to convince the masses that working hard for their masters would ensure them a place in Heaven.
4) YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BUSY
See number 3 above.
Being busy is sometimes unavoidable. Sometimes it’s forced on you, or needed for a goal, and you don’t have a choice at the time. Sometimes, it’s poor planning, lack of delegation, lack of imagination or innovation or intelligence, lack of balance, or lack of self-love. It is NEVER a virtue or something to be admired. It is something to be pitied, if anything. Some people enjoy being busy, and for them, this is good. In that case it is a pleasure, but still, NOT a virtue.
You do not have to resign yourself to a life of being busy. You can find ways to change your work/life situation and priorities so that you are not busy. Even parents of small children can find ways to be, at least, less busy.
No one is going to banish or stone you if you choose to live a peaceful, balanced life.
5) YOU DON’T HAVE TO READ, LISTEN TO, OR WATCH ANY NEWS OR MEDIA AT ALL
The world will go on without your attention to the news, radio, television or movies. If you died tomorrow, life would go on without you. Mainstream media is mainly just ads and propaganda anyway. Most of what’s on television is junk. More importantly, it is usually shallow and negative.
When I avoided radio and television for months, my whole feeling about life shifted. I never realized what a constant cloud of negativity is created by the entertainment industry (and advertising). When you think about it though, the core of most stories, movies and television series is a story of struggle or violence. Many writing courses even teach that every story must have a problem that is overcome, or a central conflict. This is what holds an audience’s attention.
So we are bombarded by this message daily, when meanwhile, there is so much cooperation in the world, and love and beauty. But we don’t see it because our brains are being crowded with all the negativity from the media and the unceasing message that life is all about conflict and problems.
One of the most glorious experiences of my life was the escape from the junk and negativity of the media. I felt like I had found a whole new world, a beautiful uplifting world.
When you become free from the media, you realize how much everyone else is NOT free from them. I see it on social media. People will suddenly start arguing or ranting about something. Or I will see that people are afraid of something. All this negativity and fear that I am completely unaware of and FREE from.
As I said before, the world will not implode if you ignore the media. Also, YOU will not suffer any weird disasters. When there is important stuff going on, I hear about it through friends. I have yet to suffer in any way, after avoiding media for decades. As far as I can see, there is no downside. But a lot of benefits.
6) YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOWER EVERY DAY
It’s not good for your health or the planet’s health. Mostly just North Americans do this. The rest of the world views daily showering as wasteful, ridiculous, expensive, and, if you’re a guest in their home, impolite.
7) YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR A CLEAN NEW OUTFIT EVERY DAY
See number 6 above and substitute the idea of washing your self with the idea of washing your clothes. Hot water, soap… I suspect advertising has given North Americans an obsession about being “clean.”
8) YOU DON’T HAVE TO ATTEND CHURCH
9) YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE REGULAR CHECKUPS WITH A DOCTOR
Many of the healthiest people NEVER go to a doctor. I always read advice from people who are one hundred or older and I’ve noticed most of them say they avoid doctors and medicine. My theory is that conventional doctor visits focus your attention on sickness. If you see a naturopath or functional medicine doctor and work with them to create a lifestyle plan for being healthy, this is a positive focus. I realize this is a controversial subject, so if you feel safer getting regular checkups, maybe see a positive health-focused naturopath or functional medicine doctor. Btw, when my child and I started seeing a functional medicine doctor, she gave us a ten-page questionnaire about our lifestyle, food, sleep, etc, plus a million tests (blood and poo). I have never experienced such a thorough physical in my life.
Conventional doctors seem to love prescribing pills for all kinds of things. Blood pressure slightly high? Take this pill. Meanwhile, the side effects from the pill will damage your health and you could have skipped the medication and started eating healthier food and exercising instead. A doctor from Asia once told me that conventional doctors in the West have been trained to manage symptoms instead of give cures. So you end up STILL having the problem, and no cure, plus ADDING side effects from the medicine, which create MORE health problems. For example, did you know that some stomach acid medicines cause stomach cancer? Cholesterol-lowering medication causes “cognitive decline” and muscle weakness. Japan banned one common medication for this reason. (Notice how I carefully avoided mentioning any names of powerful companies, so they don’t get mad and squish me like a tiny ant under their big money shoe.)
10) YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE REGULAR MEALTIMES
Eat when you’re hungry. Some families CHOOSE to have regular mealtimes as a way for everyone to connect at least once a day. But you are free to not choose this.
11) YOU DON’T HAVE TO HAVE A “NORMAL” BEDTIME
This was probably a common sense indoctrination for farmers, serfs, and slaves. “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise” kind of thing. Read the autobiographies of famous authors and artists and you will see that people who stay up all night and sleep all day can often have a lot of wisdom, work hard, and do great things. Also, super wealthy people rarely sleep early or wake early, so apparently sleep schedules don’t affect wealth after all.
12) YOU DON’T HAVE TO ACCEPT ANYTHING I SAY AS FACT OR WISDOM
I know a few things from experience and I share whatever works for me and might be helpful to others, but there is so much I don’t know. I am always learning more. (Did you read my Disclaimers in the About Happyology section?) I think this is true for most people, even experts and gurus. You don’t have to accept everything they say, either. (I’m sure they’d want me to tell you this on their behalf, being the wise and good people they are.)
Sometimes experts get things wrong and this can range from useless to harmful for the thousands of people who blindly trust them. (One of my soapboxes, you may have noticed. Haha.)
I love to learn from people who disagree with me or tell me about something I was not aware of. It can sometimes be ouchie in the moment, because I’m human, but I try to always listen with an open mind. And bonus, if people write particularly amusing insults about me, I can add them to the collection of Favourite Insults in the Secret Mischief Club. (So if you are planning to write any insults to me, please invest the effort to make them fun and creative. Thanks.)
Most importantly, I encourage you to always question, and think for yourself.
You have a lot more freedom in life than you realize. I hope this list helps you escape from the invisible brain-cage of societal conditioning.
Fly free and be happy, my little chickadees!
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