Seriously, read this whole thing because there might be something in here that could really help you a LOT. I’m not bossy, darling. I just really want to help you. Okay maybe I’m a little bossy. Hold on, I’m gonna go ask my daughter and my friend if I’m bossy. They’re in the kitchen. Brb.
“It depends on the day.” – Daughter
“I don’t even think you’re a little bossy. But maybe nobody can boss ME.”
– Friend (It’s true. She’s a feisty one.)
THE BRIDGE
Below is a link to Edwin H. Friedman’s famous and WONDERFULLY HELPFUL fable, The Bridge. I have never seen anything as brilliantly clear and helpful, about the guilt that traps us in relationships where we give and sacrifice endlessly. The spiritually/ethically aligned perspective in this fable has set free many Beautiful Soul givers.
If you google The Bridge by Edwin Friedman, you’ll find it is available all over the web. I am giving you a link that also takes you to the BPD Family website. Beneath the fable on this site you will see a long and thought-provoking conversation.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all
LETTER TO A COUPLE COUNSELLOR WHO WAS FOOLED BY THE TOXIC PARTNER’S LIES AND GREAT ACTING SKILLS
Again I am mentioning the Letter to a Counsellor on Patricia Evans’s website. It’s great. SHE’s great!
I talk more about this Letter to a Counsellor in the section, When Experts Get it Wrong, including the reason anyone in a relationship with a Narcissist or other type of verbal abuser may find the letter helpful when seeing a marriage counsellor. Many a counsellor (and family court!) has been fooled by a Narcissist or other crafty verbal abuser.
Here is an excerpt from the letter. The link is below.
“I do not know what to do in the face of such blatant, outrageous lies — especially when my husband comes across as credible. Getting abused all over again, right in your office is not my idea of a therapeutic counselling session.
You will believe what you believe and I cannot change that. May I suggest in the future, however, that when a woman comes to you seeking help and healing from a verbally and sometimes physically abusive relationship, that you start out by believing her and asking hard questions to confront the husband’s lies. Otherwise, the therapy itself can add to the already existing abuse, causing immeasurable trauma and other detrimental consequences.”
https://verbalabuse.com/verbal-abuse-and-therapy/
Your homework for today is to visit The Great Patricia Evans’s website.
Actually, you could go there right now for just ONE minute. And then come back to Happyology. (Always come back to Happyology, darling. You are loved here.) Yes, now. I’m happy to wait. Go. Go go go. See you soon!
(Humming while I wait…hm hm hm hm-hmmm)
Oh, you’re back! Yay!
Sooooo? How was your visit? She’s great, right? I knew you’d like her.
Repeat after me: “Silvia always knows.” (Haha, just kidding. That was my Inner Diva talking. She’s a pain. Always fishing, so conceited. Shhhh. Don’t tell her I said that.)
BOOKS THAT CHANGED MY LIFE AND COULD CHANGE YOURS TOO:
The Most Important Life-Changing Books I’ve Read:
This is the order in which I would read these books, if I could go back in time and plan my learning, healing, and escape from toxic patterns and relationships more efficiently, plus my spiritual journey to joy:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson
This is where it all begins and everything stems from here – your childhood training to play a role, your beliefs about your self and the world, your relationship patterns. Getting clarity about this stuff accelerates allllll the rest of your learning, self-work, deprogramming, reprogramming of your subconscious, and healing. If you only read one book this year, please let it be this one. (I nag because I love you.)
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
This book helped me even when I was deep in a fog in my first marriage and still oblivious to everything I have learned since. I have a great story about practicing techniques from it to confront my first husband. After all his tactics to derail conversations and wriggle away from truth and responsibility for 8 years, I cornered him. It was glorious.
Even if your partner doesn’t abuse you, read this book if you’re not super happy in your relationship, or if the magic and deep communication and connection have faded.
SARA, Book I: Sara Learns the Secrets about the Law of Attraction by Esther Hicks
Yes, the Sara books are for children but they are THE MOST clear explanation and VIVID ILLUSTRATION through a (fictional) young girl’s life and experiences, EVER, of the concepts of Law of Attraction. Just for fun, go read the reviews on Amazon.
SARA, Books II and III by Esther Hicks
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
By the time you finish completing all the sentence stems in this little book, you will feel so much better about yourself. This is the book I talk about in the Fortress exercise, in Techniques & Exercises, that was so life-changing and FREEING for me.
What to Say When You Talk to Yourself by Shad Helmstetter
This is the only guide I would ever recommend, on how to write self-talk and affirmations. Helmstetter’s book is the SCIENCE of writing self-talk and affirmations. When you read this book, you’ll see why the wording of an affirmation/self-talk script is very specific and crucial.
Choosing Easy World: A Guide to Opting Out of Struggle and Strife and Living in the Amazing Realm Where Everything is Easy by Julia Rogers Hamrick
Following the advice in this book has COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED my life AND my daughter’s life. It has changed my constant, underlying FEELINGS ABOUT LIFE and has changed my LIFE SITUATION in many concrete ways. See my article in the Writings section, “Unconscious Beliefs That Make Life Easy or Hard.” Also see the affirmation “My Life is Easy,” in Affirmations.
Emotional Abuse: Breakthrough Scripts: 107 Empowering Responses and Boundaries to Use with Your Abuser by Barrie Davenport
This is a thin little paperback with the ACTUAL WORDS to speak in every situation. It is so much more than the words to say, though. It makes a toxic person’s tactics crystal clear.
Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires by Esther and Jerry Hicks
The title of this book does not do it justice. It is a guide to living your life. It shows you how to be happy RIGHT NOW, no matter what is going on around you. Yes, when you start following its advice, all kinds of great things will automatically start flowing into your life, but more importantly, you will know how to free yourself from negativity and feel joy no matter what.
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
This book was more clear to me than Tolle’s most famous book, The Power of Now. I learned one of the most important things of my whole life, from A New Earth. It was a thunderbolt epiphany that changed everything. I’ll tell you about it sometime. Meanwhile, read the book and let us know in the Wilde Tribe, if it gives you any epiphanies.
5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities by Bill Eddy
This book should be required reading in every high school. People should be required to read it in order to get a marriage license. Everyone who has an employer, supervisor, or co-workers should read it. Everyone who uses social media should read it. It helps you spot the crazies and teaches you how to communicate with them in a way that minimizes drama. Or just avoid them.
The knowledge in this book could save so many nice, trusting, giving people from a life of misery.
Bill Eddy explains things in the most succinct, crystal clear way I have ever seen. (Totally unlike my rambling self. Haha.) He is also incredibly knowledgeable and experienced in two fields: family law and psychology. He brings this uniquely valuable wisdom combo to all his writing and it’s what makes his advice about getting custody of your children in a divorce from a Narcissist or other toxic person sooooooo helpful. See the book, Splitting, below.
This book and the ones I listed below For Help with Divorce and Custody helped me get full custody of my daughter and complete control over visitation, when I divorced my Narcissist husband. Eddy’s communication methods continue to help me avoid drama with my child’s father.
Eddy’s techniques for communicating with toxic people at work are brilliantly simple and clear.
Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath’s Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power by Christiane Northrup
I love the way Christiane Northrup is clearly a spiritually connected person and yet she is not afraid to say things that might offend some people in the New Age community. She is a fearless truth teller — my favourite kind of person. Here’s an excerpt, from page 153 in her book.
“Unresolved pain and trauma from childhood or from your family genetic line will continue to operate below the surface–creating the opposite of a healthy, joyful life. And any attempt to think positively or change your beliefs without actually identifying the source of pain and allowing that pain to be felt and released simply won’t work.”
See why I love her? Actually, there are a lot of reasons I love her. When you read her book, you will FEEL the compassion she has for the empaths of the world. She understands beautiful soul givers deeply. I’m thinking she’s probably a Glimmer who went through the experience of being a Deluxe Giver.
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Randi Kreger
I had an epiphany about my mother and my childhood every five pages while I was reading this book several years ago! It was the beginning for me, in breaking free from the confusion, guilt, and unhealthy patterns in my relationship with my mother. Randi Kreger has a gift for explaining things in a clear, real life way. No jargon, no wordy abstract theories. You don’t feel like you’re reading a textbook in a psychology PhD program. This book gives you concrete details and uses real people’s stories to help you truly understand important concepts.
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on With Life by Margalis Fjelstad
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
This is one of the clearest, best books on boundaries that I’ve read. A great thing about this book is that the authors discuss boundaries in the context of the Christian religion. Now don’t run away, atheists and New Age peeps. Hear me out.
Our culture has absorbed a lot from Christianity, including beliefs and assumptions we’re not even aware of, about being a good person, forgiving, guilt, anger, etc. We have ALL been affected by the Christian religion. A lot of this stuff is tangled up in our relationship patterns.
If religion is working invisibly in our subconscious programming and causing us to let people mistreat us, what better way to haul the religious elements out where we can see them and then USE religion to set the record straight? That is what makes Cloud and Townsend’s book so valuable.
Additionally, I am deeply happy for Christian people that there is a book to help them have healthy boundaries which are ALIGNED WITH THEIR VALUES. Although I eventually experienced my own personal connection with the Universe, before I left organized religion I grew up attending church and singing in the choir, and for many years in my life three guidelines I used for my behaviour were:
“What would Jesus do?”
“Turn the other cheek.”
“Forgive them. They know not what they do.”
This guidance system caused me to be an absolute doormat in relationships with Takers, Energy Vampires, and Abusers. For a long time, advice about protecting my own happiness and caring about my own needs, seemed shockingly selfish, anti-spiritual, and I rejected it instantly. And remained a doormat, sacrificing my happiness, (and health!) and sinking further into depression. If Cloud and Townsend’s book had existed when I was a teenager, my life might have been very different. (But everything in my life led me here, so I’m happy.)
Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson
Oh my goodness, this book helped me understand my mother and stepmother soooooo much better!!! Lawson’s book is the most detailed, thorough, clear, comprehensive book I have ever read about mothers who have Borderline Personality Disorder.
A lot of people don’t know exactly what Borderline Personality Disorder is, so I’ll say this in general terms, jargon-free:
You may want to read this book if your mother (or the mother of your children!!) is or was unpredictable, moody, easily triggered, behaves in contradictory and confusing ways, sometimes exhibits the emotional intelligence and maturity of a toddler, frequently feels like the world is mean to her, one minute puts a person on a pedestal and the next minute thinks they’re the anti-Christ, is sweet, warm, generous and loving one minute (day, week, year) and the next minute (day, week, year) is a stone cold witch with ZERO ability to see you as a human being with feelings.
Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
I have used this book so often as a guide for communicating in healthy ways, with my child and my friends. It is the world’s best book on healthy, enlightened communication techniques. The workbook is awesome, also. The only reason I did not put this book closer to the top of this list is that enlightened communication techniques rarely worked with the toxic people I have known. If people have a personality disorder, or bad intentions toward you, and or they just want to use, abuse, control, or exploit you, they will usually sabotage your healthy communication attempts or find some way to take advantage of you while you’re earnestly working hard to have a good relationship with them. For communicating with toxic people, it is more helpful and urgently important for you to first read Patricia Evans’ and Bill Eddy’s books listed above.
Other Amazing Books (in any order):
Unsinkable: How to Bounce Back Quickly When Life Knocks You Down by Sonia Ricotti
Living in the Light by Shakti Gawain
An Open Life: Joseph Campbell in Conversation with Michael Toms by Michael Toms
The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron
For Help With Divorce and Winning Custody and Protecting Your Children:
Child Custody A to Z: Winning with Evidence by Guy White
Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle by Tina Swithin
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Sun Tzu’s tactic of letting your enemy believe you are weak, helped me a LOT in my divorce from the Narcissist. I’m a pacifist and always assumed this famous book would be a big boring thing about battles, but it’s not. It’s a thin paperback about the psychology of outsmarting your enemies. If you are divorcing an evil crazypants, invest a few hours reading this book.
Six months later….
Fabulous Beautiful Soul Person (possibly you):
“My life has changed after reading stuff on Happology and using the techniques and affirmations. I really am starting to see things more clearly and feel HAPPIER and more HOPEFUL! I have a PLAN! I am heading toward more JOY and FREEDOM now! No more poo prison for ME!”
OR…..
Fabulous Beautiful Soul Person (HOPEFULLY you):
“Oh my god! Silvia was RIGHT! Those books ARE life-changing!!!! Between the stuff on Happyology and those recommended books, WOW! Just WOW!! I have SO MUCH CLARITY now! And holy cow, I am SO DONE taking shit from shitty people. And also, happiness really IS possible!”
Please share with our Happyology family, (in the comments) ways a recommended book has helped you. Feel free to recommend OTHER books, authors, gurus, online courses, or wisdoms from your wise grandmother, that have helped you, and describe how they helped you. We can share your comments in the WILDE TRIBE.
AWESOME WEBSITES:
https://highconflictinstitute.com (Bill Eddy’s website. Incredibly valuable in many ways. Check it out and you will see what I mean.)
https://verbalabuse.com (Patricia Evans’s website! Did I mention she’s awesome?!)
http://soulmateinhell.blogspot.com/2015/09/
(I know this blog is old but when I first discovered the existence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and realized my then husband was a Narcissist, the blog Soulmate In Hell taught me more than anything else on the subject. I love how the list of articles down the side of the page lets you find exactly the topic you need right then. I was thinking about arranging my website sort of like this – with a graceful table of contents in each section instead of boxes for everything (I am soooo not an in-the-box person) – but my website guy said if I did that, I’d look like an old-fashioned out-of-touch ancient squarepants dinosaur. Okay, he didn’t say that exactly. I might have paraphrased just a smidge. A lot. Completely. I confess, okay? But he did advise against it and he is the expert… or as I like to say… the technology god. With the patience of a saint, because he puts up with me.)
https://www.facebook.com/RantingsOfABeautifulMind
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists
https://theraoinstitute.com/dr-raos-ted-talk/ (Srikumar Rao’s TED Talk is a lightbulb moment!)
All the authors of the books I recommended above, plus
WISE EXPERTS:
Dr. Ramani
Maria Consiglio
Joe Dispenza
AMAZING THERAPIST:
Genevieve McMath
I found Genevieve — or rather, the Universe brought her to me — when I was just beginning my search for a consultant for my Deluxe Giver book. I say “brought her to me” because here is what happened.
Having seen the Universe work its magic in my life many, many times, in wildly specific, concrete ways, I knew the quickest, easiest, most logical way for me to find the ideal consultant was to write a visualization describing them AND the feeling the consultant and I would have, working together. So I did that. I read the visualization out loud every day for a couple weeks, while listening to 432 hz music videos on Youtube.
Then I went to the Psychology Today directory, input Canada and the U.S. as locations, respectively, selected the filters for personality disorders, spirituality, trauma & PTSD, humanistic therapy, DBT (which I believe is helpful for developing healthy self-talk) plus a few other things, and started looking at the therapist profiles that came up.
Genevieve’s was the second profile I read. I got a strong feeling about her. That little voice inside, you know? I figured I should be logical and thorough and read more profiles, so I did. None of the others appealed to me. I emailed Genevieve and everything flowed magically from there. Exactly as I had described in my visualization. (Cue mystical music.) The Universe must really love me because the extra “luxuries” about Genevieve, that I didn’t think to visualize but that I particularly enjoy in individuals, are her sense of humor and the fact that she is so REAL, authentic, and down-to-earth.
The reasons Genevieve is uniquely amazing as a consultant for the Deluxe Giver book are basically the same reasons I’m recommending her to Deluxe Givers, for counselling via Zoom:
She is a genuinely kind-hearted person. A Giver.
She has that ethical/spiritual element at her core.
One of her close family members had Borderline Personality Disorder. So she knows what this is like.
She has many years of experience, counselling people. Plus an MSW degree, etc. (see her credentials in the Psychology Today link below).
(Unlike hot-headed me, Genevieve exudes peaceful, unconditional acceptance for all people, and does not have a judgmental bone in her body. That is one important reason I am so lucky to have her help with the Deluxe Giver book.
I once wrote something for the book (a template, a “story” included in a letter to a BPD parent) that would lull a BPD parent into thinking it was about THEM, so they would read it with EMPATHY, before they discovered at the end it was really about their child. Genevieve softly suggested that it might cause the BPD parent to feel angry (when they realized it was not about them) and that would not be helpful/healthy for the relationship. She was right, of course. Darn it. So I removed it. My inner brat reallyreallyreally wanted to gently trick my self-absorbed mother and all my readers’ self-absorbed parents into caring deeply about the hopes and dreams of their children and finally SEEING the pain that their children experienced (with the unspoken part being, THEY, the parent, with their self-absorption, had caused their children this pain the way the child in the story had been caused pain). I figured our self-absorbed parents would have empathy for the main character right up to the point where they realized the story wasn’t about them. In my unrealistic fantasy, they would then apologize to their children and we would all have closure. But deep deep down, I suspected the “trick” aspect would not facilitate positive emotions, ultimately. (Understatement.) I think I was hoping I might be wrong and Genevieve would give it clearance. Wisely, she did not.
While I’m on the subject of Genevieve’s superior wisdom and compassion for all, I should state this disclaimer: although Genevieve IS the consultant for the Deluxe Giver book — making sure every technique and piece of advice for readers is psychologically accurate, healthy, and truly helpful (the reason I wanted a consultant), and — unexpected bonus! — keeping me in line, (a nice gift from the infinitely wise Universe), she is not a consultant for my website. She is not responsible for any of the hot-headed, short-sighted, judgmental Mama Bear, immature mischief I might get up to on this website. I’m probably not even going to show stuff to her before it goes on the website.)
Genevieve has a gift for helping people whose family members or partners have BPD or other personality disorders. I believe it’s partly because her personal experience has given her an extra dimension of understanding, beyond the average therapist.
One of the most rare and valuable things about Genevieve, in my opinion, is that she understands what a strong and beautiful element a Giver’s ethical code/spirituality is, and the need to separate this from psychological elements, and give the Giver help that is aligned with their spiritual/ethical values. Honestly, I figured I’d have to search intensively for months to find a therapist who gets this. Then again… visualizing for two weeks…. the Universe…. its usual creativity and magical power… I should have known it would be easy. You’d think I’d have faith more consistently by now. (“Sorry, Universe. Hope I didn’t offend you. You know I trust you infinitely, right? It’s just… old habits and all that.”)
Genevieve’s details:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/genevieve-mcmath-and-associates-cambridge-on/887682
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