I am not a parenting expert but over the years, as a life skills facilitator, etc. (see ABOUT section: Hopefully-Impressive Conventional Credentials), I have learned communication skills which I sometimes remember to use in my interactions with my child. Of course… in real life… things don’t always go like they do in a textbook and also… well… have you ever parented a teenager? Enough said. However, I have found that even with a teenager, these three steps can help reduce tension, avoid potential arguments, and frequently even cause laughter. I’m not saying they work ALL the time, because… well… real life… teenagers… and also, have you ever parented a FEMALE teenager? Enough said. More than enough. A LOT said.
Below is a tongue-in-cheek description of an interaction I had with my daughter when she was fourteen. I am sharing the story because it was the first time I did these three things in combination, and I think it illustrates them fairly clearly.
In the years since I wrote this description, I have used these three things more consciously, and they’re very helpful in turning tense situations into pleasant ones.
(Disclaimer: I often use humour but I am NEVER sarcastic toward my daughter. Sarcasm is a killer. The difference between sarcasm and gentle teasing is in the intention and the tone of voice. My daughter knows that I am teasing. Meanwhile, it is important to not even tease lovingly, when a person is deeply upset. They need to feel that you understand and care how serious a situation is for them. My rule of thumb for knowing when it’s okay to tease is, when in doubt, don’t. If you use sarcasm when you’re angry, it’s probably safer to not use this humor technique at all in case your child can’t see the difference, or assumes you’re being sarcastic anyway.
Throughout this incident I was gently teasing but also sincere and my daughter could see this.)
THE INCIDENT OF THE FLAKES
Recently my teenager was getting ready to go to a restaurant with her father and grandmother. I commented to my darling child that there were some flakes in her just-washed, wet hair and she might want to rinse her hair more thoroughly next time. With her hair pulled back, I also noticed she had a flake of dry skin on her earlobe.
I was going to suggest that we look up some kind of deep moisturizing treatment for hair when it’s dried out by winter and central heating, but I didn’t get a chance. My daughter got upset at me for “overwhelming” her with criticism.
A discussion ensued. I learned during this discussion that when criticisms are mentioned too close together, it is felt as an “overwhelming barrage.” I calmly asked if there is a minimum amount of time I should wait between commenting on things such as visible flakes before my child goes out into the world among people. Perhaps 5 hours would suffice? Or would 5 years be a safer approach? (My calm humour was not appreciated.)
The child then informed me that the way I worded my comments was upsetting. I should not say “You have a lot of flakes in your hair.” This is too critical and “makes a person feel disgusting.”
I grabbed some paper and a pen and asked my child to dictate to me exactly how I should word this comment, so I could write it down and save for future situations that are similar. Here are her suggestions:
“Oh, I see some flakes in your hair. Do you want to wash them out? If not, it’s fine. You could just pick them out or brush them out.”
“You have some dry skin on your ear.”
It is so obvious now that “You have some dry skin on your ear” is much more sensitive and gentle than “You have a flake of dry skin on your earlobe.” Ahem. Anyway…
I also wrote on my notes:
“Don’t comment on more than one thing per week.”
The child made me cross that out and write this instead:
“Wait one minute in between.”
I had gone to pick the flake of skin off the child’s earlobe and she had backed away like I was planning to do a van Gogh on her. So I also wrote this in my notes:
“NEVER TOUCH HER.”
The child thought that was excessive and I was being “immature.”
Then our discussion ended and my child went into her room to text with friends.
I decided to write a note to save and give to my child each time I see something I might want to comment on. See below.
I also wrote a note for my child to give TO ME, each time she might be about to assume that I am feeling unreasonably disgusted and critical underneath my calm and helpful exterior. See below.
Later, I asked my child to read both notes and let me know if they might be helpful to save and read in all similar situations in future. I asked her to suggest any revisions she thought might be useful. I watched her reading the notes.
NOTE TO MY CHILD:
“My dearest beautiful daughter,
If there were something on your clothing or person that you would not want anyone to see out in public, would you want me to inform you about it now, or later, or not at all?
Please let me know if I have your permission to speak of it.”
As she read the last line, she valiantly fought back a smile.
THE NOTE I WROTE FOR HER TO SHOW TO ME:
“Mommy,
Did you INTEND to sound so picky, upset, disgusted, critical, judgmental and angry, or do you just SEEM that way to me, because I worry a lot about being imperfect?
I would not want to unfairly assume you are an unreasonable, shallow, hyper-critical monster before I get angry and resent you for being one.
I only want to feel so annoyed at you that I could scream, when you are ACTUALLY being a thoroughly horrible, mean, insensitive, snot-faced poo-brain.”
Midway through the second note, I could see she was holding in a smile. On the last sentence, she gave up and laughed. We hugged each other and apologized for being snappy.
STEP 1. LET IT GO.
It’s annoying when we try to be helpful to our children and they misunderstand us, assume we’re being mean to them, and even get angry at us. We feel unfairly accused and unappreciated.
I thought I was being kind, helping my daughter avoid the embarrassment of people in a restaurant seeing flakes in her hair. I don’t care about these things but I know that she does. (Especially once she hit the teen years.)
She thought I was being “overwhelmingly” critical.
Let it go. Your negative emotions only get in the way. If you’re focusing on how you feel, you can’t pay attention to how your child feels.
Things that you should NOT do at this time:
* Feel triggered by their unfairness and react emotionally.
* See your child’s expression of their feelings as a criticism of you, and get angry.
* Get angry at your child for not being an expert in communicating their feelings articulately and with diplomacy.
* Explain to your child how they misunderstood and why they should not feel upset.
Givers and empaths might be tempted to do this one. I know I did in the past. You feel so terrible that your sweet child has been hurt by you, that your reflex reaction is to explain how they misunderstood and you never intended to hurt them. Seems innocent enough, right? You’re rushing to let them know you’d never want to hurt them. You intend this as a kindness to them, to help them feel better asap. But guess what? They don’t see it that way.
I was stunned the first time my daughter explained this to me. Luckily for me, my daughter was born with an old soul and a unique skill for articulating things, even at a young age. (I tell her all the time she’s a gift from the gods.)
Here’s how kids (and adults) feel when you rush to explain what your intentions were and how they misunderstood you and how they should not feel hurt, INSTEAD OF asking them questions about their experience/perception/feelings/thoughts:
You don’t really want to know how it felt to them.
You don’t really want to know what they experienced.
You are not interested in hearing what they have to say.
You don’t want to see their experience and feelings as valid.
You just want to tell them your experience (or “version”).
You don’t want them to feel their feelings.
You don’t want to feel bad about hurting them.
You don’t want to feel like a “bad” person who could ever hurt someone.
I was mildly horrified at myself, the first time I saw all of the above clearly. As a giver and empath, I had done this for years with my child — rushing to explain how I had not meant to hurt her and she had misunderstood — because I didn’t want her to feel hurt by her incorrect perception.
In the Incident of the Flakes above, the exact moment where my old self would have started explaining that I was not trying to criticise, but was only trying to be helpful, would have come at this point:
“My daughter got upset at me for “overwhelming” her with criticism.”
The whole rest of that incident would have gone in a different direction.
Where is the line between doing the above — “Explain to your child how they misunderstood and why they should not feel upset”, and gaslighting? How different is it from saying this sentence, a favourite of all Narcissists and verbal abusers:
“That didn’t happen and you should stop feeling what you’re feeling right now.”
Some people believe that if you love someone and are always kind, you don’t need to learn communication skills. I believe that even the purest love and good intentions cannot prevent mediocre communication skills from unintentionally hurting our loved ones and possibly eroding a relationship. I have seen with my child, how using just a few good communication skills can improve a relationship in wonderful ways.
The ONLY thing you should do at this time:
Care about your child’s feelings and try to understand their perception.
The important fact is your child feels hurt by something you said or did. Regardless of how ineptly they communicate this to you, or how inaccurate their perceptions are, the important thing is their feelings.
Although their perception might be wildly wrong, it feels real to THEM and therefore it is valid to THEM and is important for you to ask questions, listen, understand, and take their perception seriously.
When you focus on a child’s feelings in a way that is loving and nonjudgmental (and NOT angry), and make an effort to listen and understand them, they feel loved (and safe).
They feel like they can count on you to care about them.
They feel like you love them so much that you will focus on their feelings instead of making your own feelings the priority all the time.
They feel like they can tell you difficult things and you won’t blow up in anger but will instead try to understand them.
If a child is afraid to tell you about things you do which unintentionally hurt them, how will you know you’re hurting them? How will you know and how will THEY know that they misunderstood you? If you don’t know they misunderstood you and are hurting, how can you clear things up?
If your child is afraid of your anger, or reluctant because of your past reactions (such as you feeling deeply upset & crying), to tell you about hurtful things you’ve done, they will continue to silently endure your words or actions that hurt them. Distance will grow between you. In the future, they will carry this pattern with them and silently endure hurtful words and actions of friends and partners.
STEP 2. ASK & THEN LISTEN ON LEVEL THREE. WRITE DOWN THEIR ANSWERS.
In a relaxed and sincere way, ask them to tell you specfically what you said or did that hurt them and, literally, type or write down their answers. Be silly (unless they are deeply upset). I grabbed paper and pen to write down my daughter’s answers, partly to be over-the-top silly, but also I REALLY wanted to know what I said that was hurtful and what I could say instead. If you calmly and simply ask a person, this saves you from having to be a mind-reader in the future. (And we all know how well that mind-reader thing works. Not.)
After that incident, my daughter and I began using the Ask & Write technique often. When a person puts something in writing, this somehow causes them to state things more clearly. Misunderstandings are cleared up more quickly.
Writing your child’s answers in their exact words is also a kind of foolproof method of listening on level 3. There are 5 levels of listening. Most therapists use level 3, first taught by Carl Rogers as “reflective listening.” You can see why it’s called “reflective,” in the description of Level 3 on Truax and Carkhuff’s Communication Scale below.
(If you would like to learn how to listen on Levels 3, 4 and 5, Happyology will be releasing a course on listening soon. There will be fun exercises and (of course, always) some humour (silly sample conversations, etc.). Send us an email with “listening course” in the subject line, to receive information about it.)
Truax and Carkhuff 1967 Communication Scale
• Level 1 – low level (little or no awareness of feeling).
• Level 2 – moderately low level (some awareness).
• Level 3 – reciprocal level of empathic responding (accurate reflection of client’s message reflected at the level in which it was given – paraphrasing with the appropriate feeling word).
• Level 4 – moderately high level of empathic responding (reflecting not only the accurate feeling but the underlying feeling).
• Level 5 – high level of empathic responding (accurate reflection of feeling, plus underlying feelings in greater breadth and depth (also for some interpretation such as deep disappointment or long range goals).
STEP 3. TWO SILLY LETTERS
When I wrote the two letters, I did not have a clear plan for using different elements in them. I was just going by instinct, and also being my usual silly self. So don’t be too impressed by this next bit. (I mean, if you WANT to be impressed by me, I will never complain about that.) I have analyzed since the first time using the silly letters, reasons they help communication flow better and emotions feel better.
My letter to my child shows her that I respect her feelings. I even ask her permission to speak about something.
My letter “from” my child to me shows her that I paid attention to her perspective.
The sentence asking “do you just SEEM that way to me, because I worry a lot about being imperfect?” shows that I understand why this situation might feel hard for her, what might have caused her perception and hurt feelings: her worry about being perfect makes her feel sensitive to criticism. By including this question “from” her, I have shown her that I don’t judge her for this, I sympathize, I love her unconditionally, and I will always forgive her.
By criticizing my SELF in the letter, in a silly, over-the-top, insulting way, it creates safety for HER to express herself to me. When we use the Silly Letters, she usually ends up saying something like, “You’re not THAT bad. You only do this and this.” In comparison to the extreme silly insults, “this and this” feel safe for her to tell me.
The Happyology listening course (coming soon) will include templates for Silly Letters. We will put some templates free in our newsletter.
Here is an interaction that illustrates the benefits of using Step 1, Step 2, and humour. Because I was driving, we did not write anything down. The steps work even without the writing element, though writing is very helpful and should be done when possible. Think of the steps as you read the excerpt:
1) Let it Go (keep your voice and demeanor relaxed and light-hearted)
2) Ask questions and then listen on level 3. Ask a lot of light, relaxed questions with the goal of understanding detailed specifics about your child’s comments and overall perspective.
From “Parenting With Humor”:
In the car on the way home that evening, there is a peaceful, contented feeling. My daughter is quiet and happy listening to her favorite radio station (we listened to mine on the way downtown and it’s her turn now) and I am thinking about how lucky we are. I think about my own childhood and the tension, in contrast to life with my daughter.
ME: Would you say that your childhood has been relaxed or filled with tension?
DAUGHTER: Relaxed.
ME: Would you say I’m a critical parent, or not?
DAUGHTER: Oh, critical!
ME: (Surprised, but staying light.) Really?
DAUGHTER: You criticize me all the time.
ME: Like, scary mean critical?
DAUGHTER: Oh no! Not mean! NEVER scary.
(I am relieved about that, at least.)
ME: (Still light and conversational) I didn’t realize I’m so critical. That’s terrible. Can you tell me about the times I criticized you today?
DAUGHTER: (Thinks a minute and then laughs.)
You didn’t criticize me today.
ME: What about times I criticized you yesterday?
DAUGHTER: (Thinks about it and laughs.)
You didn’t criticize me yesterday.
(I smile. I glance over and see a sparkle of amusement in her eyes as she begins to realize.)
ME: Define “all the time.”
(We laugh.)
ME: How often would you say I criticize you?
DAUGHTER: Um… twice a week?
ME: Oh my god yeah. That IS constant!
(We laugh.)
DAUGHTER: But it doesn’t bother me. I just ignore what you’re saying. Inside my head I’m thinking, “Nobody cares. What does she know anyway?”
ME: (Laughing.) Oh, so just your basic teenage response to parents?
(Laughter.)
DAUGHTER: Yes.
ME: What if I DID know something useful? Gained during 50 years of life… no…48…46. It could happen. How could I say it to you in a way that doesn’t feel like criticism?
DAUGHTER: You could start it by saying, “This isn’t a criticism.”
ME: Oh that’s GOOD! I’ll do that. I can say, “You are so INFINITELY wise and FABULOUS and WONDERFUL! This is not a criticism. I just have a thought to share with you.” Would that work?
DAUGHTER (Laughing) Yes.
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