On behalf of myself and all people who are loving and empathic and get manipulated and taken advantage of because of this, I have thought of a new method of self-protection.
People around us have figured out how important it is to us empaths, that our loved ones feel happy. We will explain and negotiate and compromise to the ends of the earth, if not just simply give in (or sacrifice a lifetime of our own happiness), in order to see the other person understand and accept something, or feel happy.
We need to stop doing this. Because SADLY, it is human nature for most people — MOST people but NOT US, which is why we don’t SEE how people use this against us — to instinctively understand they can get their own way with us if they act like it’s the end of the world when we don’t give them what they want or when we expect them to care about our needs and feelings when it’s not convenient for them or requires effort or compromise from them. It is human nature for them to use this to get their own needs and wants met.
Three main ways I think people take advantage of us empaths are:
1. THE SUM GUILT TRIAD
They act super angry and freak out about what a “selfish, unfair, mean” thing we are doing to them. Usually if you examine the situation calmly, you’ll see that it is not unfair at all. Empaths tend to be more than fair to others, and always err on the side of being unfair to themselves so they can make SURE they are being fair to the other person.
But people will pretend you’re being selfish, unfair, and mean (SUM), because they know we empaths HATE to think we are being selfish, unfair, or mean. If they can guilt us with the fear that we’re being SUM, they’ve won. We will give in to them, just to remove any, any, ANY possibility that we are being Selfish, Unfair or Mean.
2. VICTIM ACT
They act hurt, devastated, cry, like their heart is breaking or they are suffering immeasurable pain. They know we hate to see anyone suffer, especially if we think we have caused it. They know we will back down, try to find another way, compromise 99 to 1 (99 given by us of course), or just give in altogether.
3. PRETEND THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND
They pretend they don’t understand what we want, or what we need, or why we’re upset, etc. No matter how many times or how many ways we explain something, they will (pretend to) never understand. And we empaths are so concerned with being fair and having people feel good about something, we invest a ton of energy into explaining. When the other person doesn’t understand, we feel it is our fault. If, as a result of “not understanding” our explanation, they feel hurt or that we’re being unfair, etc., we will give up and give in.
We empaths wear ourselves out caring about other people’s emotions. Meanwhile, so many people happily and routinely shred our emotions to bits as they manipulate us, take our caring and giving for granted, and use us to get what they want.
I think some people do this to us on a mild scale, unconsciously. Like when our children want something. At the other end of the spectrum, other people do this with completely amoral, deliberate, calculated, self-serving intentions.
Rather than invest my emotions any more, or give people any wiggle room to use their drama and feelings to manipulate me, I have come up with this little “mantra” that I say silently in my head as I gaze peacefully at them:
“I can’t change your emotions, and I’m at peace about this.”
“I can only do what I know is fair and right.”
“It’s my job in life to do what is fair and right.”
“It is not my job to make you feel good about it.”
“I will try once to explain something, and if you don’t understand my explanation, I’m at peace about this. I’m going to do what is fair and right anyway, even if you don’t understand.”
My favourite mantra and easiest to remember:
“I am totally at peace right now, as I watch you wear yourself out with your own drama.”
If I have to speak during the drama, I’ll say something like this:
1. “You have strong emotions about this. It’s your right to express your emotions in any way that’s not disrespectful.”
This sends the message that you are not going to get all stressed out about their emotions and try to placate or give in to them. If they are being rude and disrespectful, I end the conversation until after they have calmed down or are ready to speak respectfully.
2. “I can’t think of a better explanation than the one I’ve already given. I’m sorry it wasn’t clear but it’s okay. I don’t need you to understand my reasons. I just need to do what is right and fair for both of us.”
This might sound cold and unfair but a lot of people will ask you over and over to repeat your explanation, and over and over they will attack it and say it doesn’t make sense. Don’t get sucked in. Explain once.
If the person is NOT using the SUM guilt tactic, or playing victim, or pretending they don’t understand, and you know they have good intentions, I recommend this response, which I have used with my daughter:
3. “This is complicated. We both love each other and want to understand each other. Let’s use the conflict resolution guide in “Communication Miracles.”
And then we use the book, “Communication Miracles for Couples,” by Jonathan Robinson. It actually says in the first chapter that it can be adapted for families. The guidelines for resolving conflict are amazing!! Simple, clear, effective.
I think that if you have a close relationship or are living with someone and they REFUSE to use a book or guideline like this, it probably means they don’t care enough about having a quality relationship with you to make an effort, OR they like being able to use and manipulate you, you kind-hearted and giving empath, you, and they do NOT want to give up that cushy little setup they’ve got.
If it’s your kids, you can talk with them and find a way to get them on board with using the book together. But you don’t need their participation to get results. I have used techniques from the book with my daughter, without her knowing or participating, and the techniques have made our communication WAY better. It’s fun and amazingly effective when she and I use the book together.
If it’s your spouse or person you’re in a relationship with, well, I don’t know what the right answer is, if they won’t use a communication guide to help resolve conflicts.
My OWN long and biased answer is that after having my kindness, empathy, and giving nature taken advantage of by so many selfish users over the course of my life, I have zero tolerance for people who can’t even bother to read two pages of a book in order to possibly make their relationship better, or at the very least, to make their partner happy simply by reading two pages in a book because their partner asked them to. Some people don’t believe that self-help books actually help people. They think they’re a waste of time. Even if a person believes this, they should read a few pages anyway, because it will make their partner happy. Just read the damned pages, I say.
I mean, HOW HARD IS IT to read a couple pages in order to make someone happy?!! Talk about LAZY!! (You may have noticed, I feel strongly about this. You might also notice that I have no intention of apologizing for feeling strongly about this.) Okay, stepping off my soapbox now.
But seriously, think about it. If someone you love, handed you two pages and said, “It would make me SO HAPPY if you would read these two pages,” would you think to yourself, “No way can I read two pages of text. I do not have a single minute in my life that I can spare for that. Even if it makes my loved one very happy, I simply cannot do it. No way, no how. It would kill me to invest a few minutes of my time reading. I don’t care if it would instantly make my loved one super happy, and possibly help our relationship be happier. Just no. Nope, nopey-nope, no can do. That is just unthinkable and I must now spend the entire rest of my life avoiding it, because if I am forced to read those two pages, I will die.”
Okay, NOW I’m stepping off my soapbox.
Luckily, you don’t need anyone’s cooperation in order to use the mantra and responses #1 and #2, above.
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