Several years ago, I discovered details about one of my ex husband’s affairs and stuff he secretly spent (a lot of) money on during our marriage and separation (meanwhile crying poverty in court and…well…basically our entire marriage except the love-bombing phase when he pretended to be rich). I knew about his other affairs during the same time period, but this one was a bigger betrayal. So it threw me for a loop, for about 15 minutes.
I told a friend about the discovery. She asked me, “How are you not fuming right now?” I thought about her question. At first I didn’t know the answer. So of course I analyzed this (you know me). What WAS I feeling, I wondered. What WAS my first reaction?
Well at first, as always, when learning about something my ex has done, I had that WWIT moment – What Was I Thinking?! spending even one second of my life with a person of such low character. How could someone like me end up with scum like that? And as always, reminded myself he’s a superb actor and everyone who knows him is completely fooled. And remembered that I have a beautiful daughter. (It’s wonderful how the most beautiful flowers grow from piles of shit.) It used to take me a while to get past the WWIT moment. Now it only takes a flicker of a second.
Next, as the puzzle pieces fell into place, I realized where my husband probably was and what he was doing, all those times when my daughter would sob and ask me if she was boring, what was wrong with her, why didn’t “Daddy” want to spend time with her. She used to YEARN for time with her father. This was the part that threw me for a loop.
The old, familiar anger and heartbreak started sliding toward me like an approaching storm cloud. But thanks to some epiphanies I’ve had over the years, I knew I could choose the direction of my thoughts. So I quickly thought about the fact that precisely BECAUSE my ex never spent even one day (not even on weekends or holidays) with my daughter in her entire life ( I am NOT exaggerating), the divorce had been quite easy for her. She didn’t missed him for a second. The visitation schedule meant she would see him more than ever before and could actually count on it for the first time ever. Also, because he spent so little time with her, she has not been contaminated by his negativity and criminal approach to life. So maybe I should send the ex’s girlfriend a thank-you card. (And definitely a sympathy card.) In my five minutes of processing all of this, the storm clouds gave up and disappeared.
Next, I realized that I was so immersed in the flow of doing what I love, doing what I was meant to do in this world, doing something important, I really didn’t have TIME to waste thinking about petty, negative stuff. Why would I CHOOSE to think about or care about that stuff when I could choose to think about all the amazing, wonderful, HAPPY stuff in my life?
It’s like… I’m trying to find a good way to describe this… okay, imagine this. Imagine you spent years trapped in a prison that was filled with human excrement. Big piles of poo everywhere. In a dungeon deep underground, all dark, with no windows.
One day, you realize that all along, the key was in your pocket. You unlock the door, climb up the steep old stone stairs, and walk outside to discover a paradise. Sunlight, trees, a meadow of green grass, flowers everywhere, a soft breeze. You swim in a pristine lake and then lie on the soft grass of the meadow. You feel light and cleansed, with the sun softly warming your skin.
Someone comes along and asks you to think about the prison. The thing is, thinking about the prison will transport you back INTO the prison. The longer you think about it, the longer you have to stay there. Also, anger about the prison turns into bigger and bigger piles of poo.
Would you choose to leave the clean and beautiful paradise to go back to the poo prison? Or would you say,
“Wow, I’m so glad I’m in this beautiful place now. I’m just going to sit here and listen to the birds singing. Do you see those gorgeous lilacs? I can smell them from here.”
Would you rather pay attention to the paradise all around you, or the prison you escaped?
So… I guess that is how I was not fuming. I know we’ve all seen various namaste-pretty, wise and lofty versions of this concept….but it’s true and I will say it in plain English:
When the actions of others cannot cause you to suffer, when you can choose not to react with negative emotions, that is when you are truly free.
Here’s another way you could say it:
“Don’t let the bastards trap your mind in the poo prison.”
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