What I realized several years ago is that while we accept a person exactly the way they are, it does not mean we have to live with them if they make us unhappy.
My whole life I was a magnet for broken men. I wanted to heal them, help them, give everything to them. Years ago a therapist told me it is not my job to sacrifice my happiness for another person. It took me a long time to see clearly, what he meant.
Before my realization, I was dating yet another broken man. A beautiful soul, but so damaged from childhood, so resistant to self work, so cautious and numb in the way he’d lived his life. I made him feel alive. Emotionally, he was excited to have me be his everything. It was a weight on me. I suppose for some people who like to be worshipped, this would feel good. I am at a point where I want a relationship that begins with two whole, healthy individuals.
Naturally, this man, like most people, was at his best in the beginning when we met through mutual friends. Charming, sweet, caring, giving. Adored by all. Not a Narcissist. (For me that was progress. Haha.) After a few months the cracks began to show in the facade. For once, I did not ignore the red flags.
A New Age life coach — a friend of a friend — told me I needed to accept this man the way he was, and not hope he would do some self work.
After thinking about this I realized she was right; I needed to accept him the way he was and not want to help him change into a happier, healthier version of himself. And I ALSO realized the important thing the life coach had NOT mentioned: I needed to NOT be in a relationship with this man! This is the rarely mentioned flip side of not asking or hoping for a person to change. You have a right to not be with people whose dysfunctions hurt you. So yes, listen to the New Age advice and relax, let go, love unconditionally, let people be who they are, let the Universe (not you) help them on their path, but ALSO…. big also…. do your unconditional acceptance and loving from a safe distance.
I had been wanting this man to change for his own happiness and, I now realized, so that his dysfunctional behaviour and the cloud of negativity he carried with him, would not suck the happiness out of my life. I had only been seeing one solution: he could do self-work and therapy in order to become a psychologically healthy, happy person. This is what I wish for all people, all the time, so it tends to cloud my thinking in personal relationships. If you’re a helping, giving type of person, I think you probably know what I mean.
Now that I realized accepting him did NOT mean I had to sacrifice MY happiness — because another solution was for me to simply choose not to be in a relationship with him — I was able to let go and accept him the way he was.
I agree with one thing that life coach said: people have a right to decide for themselves if they want to do self-work. But people also have a right to protect their happiness. I accepted my friend’s right to not change, heal, or become happier. And I exercised my right to (gently) end the romantic aspect of our relationship.
This is the difference no one ever explained to me. I believe this kind of confusion causes a lot of giving, kind-hearted people to remain with toxic partners who make them unhappy.
So the moral of the story is, don’t try to get people to change so they’ll be happier and healthier psychologically. If they are not healthy, happy and whole, don’t be in a relationship with them and don’t live with them. Don’t let their damage damage your life. You can love them unconditionally as a friend. If they’re toxic to you, you can love them from a distance, with no contact.
You don’t have to be a human sacrifice. You deserve happiness and healthy relationships. If someone truly loves you, they won’t want you to sacrifice your happiness.
This works two ways, by the way. YOU also need to be a whole person and do the self-work needed to create your own happiness with yourself and your life. That movie concept of someone coming along and changing a person’s boring, empty, unhappy life into something magical, is fiction. It never works out that way. A happy relationship starts with two whole, happy individuals who can give happiness to each other. You can’t give or have happiness in a healthy, longterm way if you yourself are unhappy. Become happy. Become the kind of soulmate YOU would want to have, before seeking your soulmate.
Your partner deserves happiness. You deserve happiness. We all deserve happiness. Don’t sacrifice yours.
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